• MakeMoreNoise

Fuck Selfies

Updated: May 15, 2020

EDITORIAL BY DJ LIPPY


Stop taking my picture. I hate it. It makes me feel weird and self conscious. Ugly. This is what I want to shout every time someone pulls me in for a selfie. I don't. That would sound crazy. I grin awkwardly and try to look like a normal, person shaped human being. Not angry. Not sad and definitely, in no way mad.


Whenever I try to tell someone I feel uncomfortable and I don't want to be photographed I get the same few lines. Don't be daft. You're really pretty. Stop being rude. I don't think a man has ever told me this. Men get it. They're not trained to be show ponies. They're not expected to smile and grin and bear it.


I am told as a woman that my boundaries are important. I feel uncomfortable I must speak out. But that only seems to apply in circumstances where society has decided that my boundaries matter.


It's illegal to take someone's photograph and share it on a public platform without their permission. This seems like a basic principle in law. If a pervert takes a picture of me through my bedroom window, that's bad, but when I'm on a hen do and my sister is coercing me with her disappointed eyebrows, I don't know how to say no. Not without hurting her feelings. I eventually consent because I don't want to be difficult. Nevertheless, teaching women to ignore their boundaries to please others is patriarchy 101.


I can make up a million excuses. I have Chandler face. I'm not wearing any makeup. I feel fat. These are socially appropriate responses. "I don't want to contribute to the sexual objectification of women through the male gaze as personified by the lens of your Samsung S08" much less so. At least, at a hen do in Benidorm at 2am, after ten shots of Sambuca.


And Selfie culture? What the fuck is that all about? I remember the first time I noticed it. I was at the Natural History Museum and my mates were doing duck lip pics in front of sabre tooth tigers. This is weird, I thought. They look like massive twats. Is this normal? Taking all these pictures of themselves, trying to look fit in front of stuffed beasts? This is like the worst Tinder date ever.


It was when I went to Egypt with my mate a few years ago that I first started to properly think about my discomfort. I was stood outside The Great Pyramid at Giza. I'd been waiting my entire life for this moment. SMILE she demanded and I obliged. I was happy enough but it was hot and the sun was in my eyes. What is our obsession with looking happy I thought? Is this the reaction we are socially obliged to exhibit in front of all worlds landmarks? STAND IN

FRONT OF MACHU PICCHU AND LOOK HAPPY DICKHEAD.


This does not seem normal. Not historically anyway. In the olden days they looked severe and serious in photographs. We look back at pictures of our ancestors and wonder why they're not smiling. Maybe it's because of all the syphilis, or the fact that women couldn't vote.


We live in a world on its last legs. If our ancestors survive they might wonder why we look so happy. Grinning like monkeys when we just murdered all the amphibians. Selfish cunts, don't even like frogs, they will think - why are they smiling like that? Twats.


My issue is consent. I don't like posing in front of cameras. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I want to say no but society tells me I mustn't. There is a word for this feeling. There is a word for a culture that tells women to look pretty and smile through their discomfort. Do I need an excuse? Why isn't no enough?


I think I made a pretty good argument about why I don't like to have my picture taken. I drew in everything. I even linked it to the end of the world. Why can't I just say no? Why is this not enough? Why do I have to guilt trip you with THE END OF THE WHOLE WORLD? Think on that. And next time you tell me to smile, don't be upset when I chuck a Freddo at your head. Twat.


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