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Ask Schairi



 

Dear Schairi


My partner has just come out as polyamourous. He says it’s a sexuality now and I need to support him on his journey. He says he wants to shag my sister. Should I let him? I’ve always considered myself an LGBTQ+ ally but this feels a step too far.

Ms C Knowe-Eave,

Hull


Aye, he wants tae shag yer sister. And? Are ye trying tae kink shame hem? Becuz if ye are then let me tell ye, Hen, ye are no ally o’ mine. There is simply nae law tha’ says ye hav’ a right tae be in a relationship on yer own. That’s nae how the world works!


 

Dear Schairi


I recently got out of a long term relationship and one night, after a few too many Malibu and Cokes, my mates convinced me to download Tinder. I have been talking to a few guys and they seem really nice but then they keep sending me a picture of their penises. I know I have been out of the dating scene for a while but this seems a bit extreme. Is this normal?

Mrs P Nile

Inverness


Firstly Hen, ah totally reject yer cishetero-normative reading o’ this situation. Whet dae ye mean by ‘normal’? Whut is ‘normal’?! How dae ye know that penis is attached tae a man? What are ye? Some kind of raging transphobe? Ye seem tae hav’ sum kindae odd genital fixation. Reducing these human be’ans to the’er sex en account o’ the’er genitals is pure vile. Have ye any idea hoo stunning an’ brave it is tae send a total stranger a picture o’ yer Right Honourable Member? Just ask Michael Fabricant: it took hem twa hole days tae buck up the courage to welcome me tae the Hoose in the traditional way. An’ it fair took Boris Johnson a ‘hell month! Aye, ah thought it was a bit strange at first, but can ye seriously look into that third weepy eye an’ tell me ye nae see the humanity o’ that gesture? Pure makes me reach fuh the Kleenex every time.


 

Dear Schairi


My knickers keep going missing. I live with my fiance and our three young children. I am working nights to pay for the wedding so maybe I am a little bit tired but the other day I could swear I saw the top of my G String poking out of his pants. I had another look through my draws today and I noticed that my sexy knickers have gone all wonky. When I asked him about it said I was just working too hard. Am I mad or is my fiance stealing my knickers?

Jill Thong,

Reddish


This is whee’re it starts: the screaming bigotry tha’ has come tae characterise wimmin’ o’er the age o’ 23. There is a wee wimmin inside o’ this guy jus’ tryin’ to whisper his name an’ ye are fair trying to stuff tha’ wee wimmin back in yer knicker drawer like sum kindae unwanteed Bridget Jones bellybutton snugglers thet yer maw got ye fuh Christmess back in 2003.

Instead of criticising hem/her ye shud be a bit more supportive: ask hem/her whet thee’er pronouns are, leave hem/her sum silky nighties out an’ let Bianca know ye fully support thee’re nightly raids o’ yer knicker draw by stealing sum o’ he’s boxers… but ah’ll warn yer noo, they fair ride up yer crack a wee bit! Ye get used tae it afty a while but.


 

Dear Schairi.


Help my wife thinks she might be a man. I have been a lesbian all my life and so has my wife so this has come as a bit of a shock. I do believe that transwomen are women and transmen are men and I support her transition 100% but I am wondering where this leaves me? Are we straight now?

Elle Out

Newcastle


Aye o’ course ye are straight. Aw these years ye’ve been straight, tragically trapped inside a lesbian relationship, unable tae tell naebody aboot the love tha’ dare naw speak its name.

PS Daenae worry aboot it anywae: half the folks at Pride are straight tae - they jus’ danae know it yet. Get yesel’ sum blue hair dye an’ call yersen queer an naebody well notice a thang.


 

Dear Schairi.


I think my boyfriend is addicted to porn. He says I’m just jealous but I’m not. I’m not a prude or anything, I’ve watched some with him and to be honest I just feel bad for the performers. They look like they need a hug and a sugary cup of tea. I don’t think they enjoy their jobs very much. He is good in other ways so I haven’t made much of a fuss but it’s started to impact our love life. He keeps saying he’s too tired but when I look at our internet browsing history it tells a different story. COCK HOLE. SILLY TWAT. DICKS IN ALL HER CAVITIES. That’s porn that isn’t it? What is porn giving my boyfriend that I can’t?

Miss Sian Aery

Shetlands


Face it Hen, yer vanilla legs in the air shite isnae good enuff for hem, an’ can ye blame hem when he has ‘Ms Anal Plug’ pretending tae whip his butt cheeks every night? Sure she’ll prob’ly ha’ anal fissures deeper than the Mariana Trench by the time she turns 25, an’ a prolapsed sphincter, but sex work es work an’ if it were naw fuh yer boyfriend thus wee soul would be in the job centre! Are ye really gonnae subject her tae the ills o’ Universal Credit whan she could be making torture porn so tha’ yer partner can crack one oaf because ye won’t put oot. But naw, ye go aheed an’ paint yer’sen as the victim here. Ah ken see whut’s ge’ing ‘an. Ah suggest ye get yer’sen doon tae Anne Summers an’ spice thangs up a bit, or the next thang ye know ye’ll be fielding dick pics on Tinder like the relic of womanhood past thut ye so clearly are!

 

Do you have a problem that no one else can solve? Need some advice? Ask Schiari Flack. Message us at MMNpublications@gmail.com



Would you like to meet women in real life? Come to our talk on Saturday the 27th of July featuring Posie Parker and Jo Bartosch. Ticket available here. If you want to support the blog why not subscribe to our mailing list or follow us on Facebook or Instagram. Do you write, draw, meme, code? Are you a social media whizz kid? Join us and Make More Noise! Drop us an email on MMNPublications@gmail.com

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