I was inspired to get up and speak at the Manchester “Make More Noise” the Elephant in the Room, event when Sarah Cookesley said, when talking about domestic abuse “Some women are being killed- softly, softly, drip by excruciating drip.”
I am an elephant in most rooms because I am a trans widow.
I married a man who fathered my daughter in the conventional way. Ten years later he decided that he had been a woman all along and so our marriage ended. I left the marital home, taking my daughter with me. The man I married, no longer exists and I am forbidden from referring to him by his former “dead name”.
Having your boundaries gradually and forcibly broken down and compromised over a period of time until your marriage becomes nothing like the arrangement that you signed up to, feels exactly like Sarah describes- a slow death with everything you thought you knew about yourself being gradually crushed out of existence. But with the support of other women, we trans widows can rise again.
My experience is becoming more and more common and I have spoken to many women who have found themselves in a similar situation. Women who previously felt completely alone in their struggle.
What can you do to help women like me?
Don’t call my ex “she” when you talk about him to me. Call him what you like when you speak to him, but describing him with female pronouns to me, makes my life not make sense and my daughter’s life not make sense.
Don’t, under any circumstances, refer to him as my daughter’s mother. She only has one mother and it is not him.
Seek out and share the stories of trans widows. Help our voices to be heard. Late transitioning men leave women and girls in their wake- wives, mothers, daughters and sisters who are asked not only to rewrite their past but to celebrate a new future that they do not recognise.
Many trans widows report feeling gagged by everybody else lauding their partners as “stunning and brave”. Our ex’s are often celebrated twitter personalities, newspaper columnists or the subjects of documentaries, but those of us wives who leave are forced to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals. Support those women who put themselves and their children first.
When you hear of a late transitioning male, let your first thought be for these women and how they are affected. If it is somebody in your circle of acquaintance, seek out the wife or the mother and let her know that she has your support.
Defend our use of the term “Trans Widow” as some people question its appropriateness. However it is the name that we have chosen for ourselves and it is enabling us to find each other and to share our experiences. Women talking to each other is a powerful weapon.
Don’t exclude some women from feminism in the interests of inclusiveness. Imagine seeking support from other women, only to find that your husband or father had got there first?
When you allow our ex partners space in your feminism and give them platforms in your organisations and at your meetings, you exclude their wives, daughters, sisters and mothers from accessing these spaces and making use of resources that were set up to support women like them. Prioritise women over your desire to have a “get out of jail free” card to hold up against hostile accusations of bigotry
Above all, the most important thing that you can do to help trans widows, is to centre women and girls in your feminism.
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Bringing trans widows together to be heard and to help each other is a wonderful idea and I trust others will get on board and appreciate all your efforts as I do.
Reading your article brings back the pain of discovering my, oh so macho, husband had a secret life which he had been deliberately hiding since long before we were married.
The total betrayal I felt when he started prancing around the house in feminine outfits is a feeling which will never leave me. I still have nightmares of him dressed in lingerie and how he became so outrageously angry with me when I made it clear I did not want to participate in his pathetic fantasies.
I have lost many…
My heartfelt sympathy to all the women who become *the unmentioned*... *the
forgotten*... *the collateral damage*... when men who have married or have fathered children transition and relegate their wives/partners/family to bit players in their history and walk on roles in these men's stunning and brave futures
I can only imagine the multi faceted pain you deal with... the betrayal of trust AND vows... and the turmoil of a life turned upside down.
I do hope women see that supporting narcissistic, middle aged married male transitioners is always at the expense of the women and girls in their lives and most of all, I hope you go forward knowing you are supported by other women in the decisions you have…
Thank you for your clear, powerful article. I've only known one transwidow at all well and everything you say is true of her.
Oh, and I'm a widow and I'm all in favour of you deciding what to call yourselves. The men you married have gone forever. Far worse than my husband dying. And yet you're not supposed to grieve. Batshit.