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20 Lesbophobic Things My Male Friends Have Said to Me

“What do you get out of that?” he asked, wondering how sex was possible without a penis.

“You’re not a lesbian. I can tell.”

“I might think about being gay to help my career,” he said, implying I only sleep with women to get connected for jobs. “But you’d get a lot further if you stopped writing about gay stuff. I’m only saying this to help you.”

“Sorry, wrong number. I meant to call the Amy that likes dick,” he said. Then he hung up the phone.

“There’s no such thing as a lesbian.”

“It’s okay. I’ve been with... ‘different’ girls.”

“She’s a woman, so she’s more likely to be into men. I have a better chance of going home with her than you do,” he said. We’d been talking about a bartender I liked.

“There are things a woman can’t give another woman,” he told me at a college party. An hour later, he got mad when he saw me flirting with a girl with a Mohawk. “Fine! Be a dyke if you want!” He stormed off in a tantrum.

“You’re my favorite lesbian because you think like a man,” a gay male friend said.

“I’d like to give a lesbian a flesh dildo.”

“Lesbians.” He smiled sheepishly. “I know what to do with them.”

“You should fuck a man.”

“You should’ve been born a man.”

“I know you’re a lesbian, but I’ve got a big dick. If you ever want to try it, it’s huge.”

“You need to try to be straight if you can. It’s better for you.”

I told a gay male friend I noticed some bi female friends of ours were going more for men. “I know,” he said. “It makes me think it’s not that good.” The “it” was being with women.

“One time I slept with your lesbian friend, X. She was curious.” He looked at me hopefully.

“I’ve gone to the lesbian bar an hour before closing to talk to women who were alone. I’d try to convince them to go home with me. Sometimes it worked.”

“How’s that working out for you?” he asked about my lesbian life. He looked at me like I was crazy for thinking I could ever get away with being gay.

A friend in my university acting class performed a scene from Chasing Amy, a movie about a man who turns a lesbian. Then he asked me if I thought lesbians could date men.


Several of my straight, gay, and bi male friends said those lesbophobic things to me. I’m butch and look very gay, which made me a visible target for sexual harassment. It’s partially why I moved from the American South, where all of this happened. I decided to share because recently the memories have been triggered. I want them out, and maybe writing about my experiences will help other lesbians.

Male friendships are tricky, no matter what a man’s orientation is. As you can see, many straight and bi male friends are really trying to hook up. Gay men project their own fears onto lesbians. Gay men have also groped me in dark, sweaty gay bars. Lesbians have to be careful around all men.

By Amy Dyess. Writer and activist.

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