It’s been a long day and you are exhausted after your journey to Hagworts school of Witchcraft and Tervestry. Before you can relax Hagwarts Headmistress J.K. Rowling enters the Great Hall. It’s time for the sorting hat to assign you a house.
1) You are in the women's toilets adjusting your pearls when in walks a 🍆lady🍆with a gold lame purse and a six o clock shadow. What do you do?
a) Pull out your phone and start to livestream your intervention.
b) Say nothing, go home and write a blistering blog piece about the intersection between the social and biological epistemologies of womanhood and how male members in female only spaces is a bit fucking rapey.
c) Say nothing, smile politely but hover in the vicinity while 🍆she🍆does her business, just in case
d) Block his path. "Excuse me son" you say "the gents are over there mate."
2) It’s sports day at your child's primary school and you are lining up for the mother-daughter three legged race. Suddenly you notice your competitor Paulella and 🍆 her 🍆 very awkward looking daughter. What do you do?
a) You win the race. Paulella got distracted as you were coming up behind and accidentally tripped over his stilettos. Yes penis does sound a bit like “excuse me” doesn’t it?
b) You continue in the race and consider writing a strongly worded letter of complaint to the headmaster.
c) You continue in the race and then seek out Paulella's wife and “other” mummy. She looks like she could do with a drink.
d) You ask Paul to consider his position in the interests of fairness and withdraw from the race. He is so exhausted after delivering his spirited exposition of womanhood that he comes dead last.
3) The West Yorkshire police call you whilst you are at work to have a friendly chat. What have you done?
a) Definitely not vandalised West Yorkshire Police HQ.
b) Written a lengthy expose about the most beloved police force in the UK. Who are in no way behaving like a bunch of fascist wankstains. Or rather “expressing sincerely held beliefs as protected under Article 9 of the UN Declaration of Human Rights.”
c) You trawl through your social media output looking for ‘wrong think’ but can’t find anything. You used the pronouns and all the correct terminology. It’s not the aubergine emoji’s is it?
d) How long have you got?
4) The Heritage Foundation want you to talk at a panel discussion in Washington DC hosted by Jordan Peterson. What do you do?
a) You agree. The left are moronic - a vile cesspit of woker-than-though handmaids, thick-as-pig-shit dude-bros and perverts. A fuck ton of perverts.
b) Are you on glue? Seriously mate, we must not align ourselves with a political ideology that wants to send women's rights back to the stone age. We need to think strategically and consider how to position ourselves long term without conceding a centre ground that women have spent years building. You write a sternly worded reply explaining your reasons at length and publish the results on your blog.
c) After careful consideration you politely decline. Whilst you appreciate the threat to women’s rights you cannot allow yourself to be positioned with the alt-right and drive a wedge through The Left.
d) You reluctantly agree. The left have abandoned women. You use your time in the USA to build connections with the radical feminist and detransition communities.
5) You hear Mermaids are delivering the sex education classes at your daughters school. Rumours abound that a certain (penis) Canadian (penis) will be demonstrating appropriate tampon insertion techniques. How do you respond?
a) Ask your husband to self identity as a woman for the day so he can perform a much needed ball sack wax.
b) Jesus fucking Christ you what!? You write a blog post but in your haste you make a slip and use the wrong pronouns. Wordpress delete your blog and erase you from the internet.
c) You contact the NSPCC for advice and they report you to the West Yorkshire police. When you are released on police bail you contact the schools headmaster and ask them to consider their safeguarding policies. Unhappy with their response you call a meeting of concerned parents and put together a petition and write a letter to the local press.
d) You rally the troops. You call your contacts in the Terf army and prepare a protest for the day his visit.
6) As your workplace is a Stonewall Diversity Champion, HR have instructed you to wear a pronoun badges throughout Pride Month. How do you respond?
a) With great force of will you manage to remain silent throughout your LGBTQIA+ induction. The next morning you receive a visit from the head of HR. They want to know why these “woman - adult human female” buttons have replaced all their pronoun badges.
b) You feel conflicted. Whilst you are happy to use preferred pronouns you have grave concerns about the implications of compelled speech. It’s ontological totalitarianism and it’s a bit fucking fascist.
c) You remain silent and reluctantly pin your badge to your lapel. You note during induction a few raised eye-brows. You quietly approach your colleagues and by the end of the day you’ve set up a private “recipe sharing” Whatsapp group.
d) You contact your union rep outlining your concerns and arrange a meeting with HR.
7) Tranwomen are...
a) Perverts the lot of them!
b) Trans Women. Biological males who wish to undertake the social role of women. Whilst they can be viewed as such in most circumstances they must respect the privacy and dignity of biological women in sex segregated spaces and ensure our sex based rights are maintained.
c) Transwomen. You have many trans friends who are equally appalled by the behaviour of those who claim to represent the trans community.
d) Men. Do you think I’m stupid or something?
RESULTS
Mostly A's: Slytherin
Mostly B’s: Ravenclaw
Mostly C’s: Hufflepuff
Mostly D’s: Gryffindor
Slytherin
Head of House: Posie Parker.
Slytherins tend to be ambitious, shrewd, cunning, strong leaders, and achievement-oriented.
Other alumni include: Graham Linehan, Germaine Greer, Julie Bindel.
House Ghost: Margaret Thatcher.
Ravenclaw
Head of House: Dr Jane Claire Jones.
Ravenclaw values intelligence, creativity, learning, and wit.
Other alumni include: Miranda Yardley, GNC Centric, Janice Turner.
House Ghost: Simone de Beauvoir
Hufflepuff
Head of House: Martina Navratilova.
Hufflepuff is the most inclusive among the four houses; valuing hard work, dedication, patience, loyalty, and fair play rather than a particular aptitude in its members.
Other alumni include: MRK2H, Fionne Orlander, Kathleen Stock.
House Ghost: Andrea Dworkin.
Gryffindor
Head of House: Magdalen Berns.
The Gryffindor house emphasises the traits of courage as well as "daring, nerve, and chivalry," and thus its members are generally regarded as brave, though sometimes to the point of recklessness.
Other alumni: Venice Allan, Sharron Davies, Meghan Murphy.
House Ghost: Emmeline Pankhurst.
By D.J. Lippy
If you want to support the blog why not subscribe to our mailing list or follow us on Facebook or Instagram. Do you write, draw, meme, code? Are you a social media whizz kid? Join us and Make More Noise! Drop us an email on MMNPublications@gmail.com